Deja Vú: Eliot Spitzer “Straight American” Shocker!

For those of you who live underground (or in the Ivory Tower), if you haven’t heard, New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is expected to resign in disgrace after allegedly hiring a prostitute. Gasp!

In a move reminiscent of ex-New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey’s auto-outing after he was discovered engaging in an affair with a male Israeli citizen who also happened to inexplicably inhabit the position of state head of Homeland Security, Spitzer gave a heart-wrenching press conference with such tear-jerking tragic hero statements as “I’ve disappointed and failed to live up to the standard I expected of myself” and “I apologize to the public whom I promised better.” Not quite exactly an “I am a Gay American” moment, but holding the governor up to New Jersey’s standards of corruption and shamelessness isn’t exactly fair, so here’s the reaction you’re so desperately begging for, Governor:

Aww. Poor Baby.

It’s not that I don’t sympathize with prostitution; as a flaming libertarian, I strongly support the legalization, taxation and healthy regulation of the world’s oldest profession. Nor is it that, as currently New Jersey Governor Jon “If you don’t let me raise taxes, I’ll shut down your businesses” Corzine stated to the press, this behavior from Spitzer appears so shockingly out of character. Past experiences have taught this correspondent that seemingly innocuous moral lapses only cause resignations when they compose part of a “Wag the Dog” technique whereby they distract the public from legitimately harmful actions. Jim McGreevey’ lover, for example, besides committing adultery with the governor, received from him $110,000 a year for a job he did not do. And let’s please not even discuss Chuck Kushner.

I guess maybe I’d feel sorry for the governor if he hadn’t been stumping in favor of giving virtual nonentities notorious for their reckless consumption of reflex-hindering substances the right to drive in your state, and thus the right to kill your citizens with impunity. Or perhaps if you hadn’t started a modern-day witch hunt against your state’s businessmen, I would be more inclined to give you the benefit of the doubt. But as it stands, no one should feel sorry for Mr. Spitzer. His actions as attorney general have destroyed the lives of many people deliberately, and many more as a result of reckless abuse of power. It is only a shame that he will go down for such a comparatively miniscule trespass as a wild night with a call girl.